When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
couldn’t resist
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
next question.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman