Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.