A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
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Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
This is my pinned tweet
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.