Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
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Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.