The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You Might Also Like
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?