The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
You Might Also Like
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
This probably isn’t good
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
A couple who are silly together stay together.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*