My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.