When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
This is what makes twitter great
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated