Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
an airline just for babies.
A small tragedy.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.