It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.