[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
You Might Also Like
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
when someone rings the doorbell
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit