Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock