Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
You Might Also Like
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.