Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.