If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
the #horror is real!
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
the dark web is just a goth google.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
set yourself free xox
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car