my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
You Might Also Like
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.