I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Worth remembering.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Netflix: We have Less