me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
accurate
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.