[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.