love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Worst perfume name ever.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
This is my emotional support online shopping cart