ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head