I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go