*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.