*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
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I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye