I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.