girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
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Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
the official breakfast of 2021
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.