Word.
~ Microsoft.
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[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul