I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon鈥檚 light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn鈥檛 make light, stupid.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
That time Alicia messaged me
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I鈥檝e consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor鈥檚 favorite rapper?
Wife: I don鈥檛 know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what鈥檚 wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don鈥檛 know if you clearly knew the answer.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
There鈥檚 no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Ghost costume 馃槀
Who chose this font
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family鈥檚 accounts
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Me:
Pale people: I鈥檓 so white that I鈥檓 translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.