[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Is….Is this an option?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.