Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Haha! 😂
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
when you order from DoorDastardly
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day