#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
This did not end as expected.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct