Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines