like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”