My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”