Terribly Tuesday.
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4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat