People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen