Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Two types of dogs.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!