Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Cardio Made Easy
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*