All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings