I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Seems a bit forward
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds