I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.