The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
NASA has no chill
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go