Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*updates tinder bio*
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.