I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..