DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*limbos under the caution tape
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.