( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.