馃槱馃槱馃槱
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can鈥檛 catch a break.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
can y鈥檃ll stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
The old gods are rising again.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
The moon is in my awful neighbor鈥檚 backyard. Girl, he鈥檚 the worst. What are you doing?