My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table