[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Birds & Planes.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.