The big book of baby names but for safe words
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
What personal space?
My dog
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?